


Stab Yourself in the Heart

by actualPrincess



Series: Tales from The Apartment [8]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dirk is protective, Family Bonding, First Kiss, Gen, POV Second Person, Strilondes looking out for each other, not the fun kind, slutshaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 22:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14318748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/actualPrincess/pseuds/actualPrincess
Summary: Dave has a good thing going. Sure he’s in love with his best friend, but it’s not like things can get worse.





	1. Dave

You haven’t slept in your own room since the first week you moved in. It’s lonely in there and almost every inch of space is cluttered with cords or mixing equipment. What doesn’t hold electronics holds stock receipts, textbooks, predictions, homework, tax returns, anything paper that would probably get you in trouble with the IRS if lost. Then there’s your bed, two mattresses stacked on top of each other in the corner of the room and haphazardly made to resemble something vaguely livable. Yeah, you haven’t been sleeping there for a while.

Mainly you hop around other people’s rooms, whoever had the comfiest bed to start with, then very quickly it became whoever had to wake up at the same time as you. No use setting more than one alarm and waking someone up unnecessarily. As it turned out, although almost all of your roommates had at least one class at eight thirty in the goddamn morning, John was the only one who’s waking up schedule fit yours perfectly. Somehow your three majors lined up with his science major in a perfect cacophony of horrible blaring alarms at the asscrack of dawn. Yes, five am was a special time. You found yourself crawling into bed with John every night now, it was hard for you to fall asleep without the guy, teddy bear that he was. You liked falling asleep next to someone, and your best bro was no exception. Plus John’s bed was always warm and soft, and he never stashed anything under the pillows, or ate in bed, or had cat hair all over the place. Cat hair which no one seems wont to own up to, but you know.

You’re the reason for the open door policy in the apartment, even if John was the one to suggest it. It’s not really a rule, more a helpful and understood agreement. Everyone leaves their bedroom door unlocked and you can crawl into whoever’s bed is most convenient; this means you don’t end up crashed outside someone’s bedroom door, again. Jade’s room is the only one that stays locked twenty four hours a day. You’ve seen the inside, you slept in there once. Once. She keeps a gun under her pillow and not just a handgun either. She told you most of her greenhouse wasn’t even legal in the US, and some of her patents were still pending on her hybrid plants, so there were potentially people after her research. Sometimes Jade terrifies you. This policy was instituted when you were still hopping from bed to bed though, you learned quickly that Jake’s a hugger and Dirk’s usually in there with him, you settled with John fairly quickly. You’re not sure why Jake lets Dirk sleep in his room but you think it has to do with your brother’s rampant insomnia and tendency to survive off of energy drinks instead of sleep. You once watched him down four 5 hour energy drinks, a monster, and three cups of black coffee, he went three days without sleep and one without blinking.

John’s good to you. Not in a dating way. Even if sometimes you wake up just before the alarm and have enough time to watch the way the sun hits John’s cheekbones and shines off his hair, god he’s gorgeous. You had thought this would help with the whole crush thing, give you proof that John doesn’t like you as anything more than a friend, but it’s hard. You want to wake up and exchange sleepy “good morning” kisses, crawl into his bed after a long day and cuddle. You want to do plenty of things, but John’s not into that so you’re not about to push him. Above all else, he’s your best bro, and you wouldn’t jeopardize that for anything.

Which is exactly why you jump from partner to partner like a square dancer in moon shoes. You really hate “proving” stereotypes, and being bi already gives plenty of people the need to ask about a three way, but it sort of helps fill the ache in your heart. You’ve been in love with this boy since kindergarten for fuck’s sake; ever since he sat down on the play mat next to you and told you his dad packed too many cookies. You’d rather just be his friend than be nothing at all, so you fill the void. It’s not really a healthy habit but it gets the job done, and a one night stand or fling isn’t going to kill you. Not like smoking.

This week has been different though. Dirk’s been crashing in your room while his room is redone, you both have sound proofing and plenty of outlets so it’s not like he’s far from home. Bro had been the one to suggest giving Dirk’s room an overhaul, said something about the space being a potential trigger for thinking about what happened. You understand why he can’t go to Jake’s room. Well aside from the obvious. Jake’s new girlfriend Becky or whatever has been over nearly every night this week. You’re pretty sure all they do is suck face and cuddle. Disgusting. Doesn’t matter to you except that now your bro has no place to crash, and no way is he going on the couch. No way is he staying alone either. Your room may be a mess, but you’re not letting Dirk get into his weird isolation habits after...that. So you sleep in your room for the first time since the start of the semester, and you miss John.

In his defense, John looked pretty haggard as well. He kept whining about not being able to sleep, called you a bed warmer once, and didn’t squirm when you laid on him for movie night. Absence makes the heart grow fonder you suppose. It had been your idea to move with Dirk, and John had supported it, but now the both of you were a little worse for the wear. Dirk’s still a restless sleeper, still an insomniac, still keeping you up at night. Now he's got nightmares too, and you've had to wake him up nearly every night this week. Sleep isn't good even when he sleeps. It's only until his room is done. Completely unrecognizable. Maybe you could just give him your room and go back to John’s, but you have too many important documents scattered about to actually give someone free roam. Rent payment records from residents of the whole building, stock portfolios, binders full of bills and profit records both for the building and yourself.

The only good thing to happen this week has been a decent increase on a few of your holdings. Jade’s stock was increasing daily steadily still, she really should go to a shareholders meeting at some point. You could always go you suppose, since you manage her portfolio. You've been sitting at the dining room table looking over your papers and checking between your calculator, phone, and computer trying to figure all this out for the past three hours. You have homework of course, but you can afford to fail an assignment or two. You feel a solid warm weight settle over your shoulders, John's head resting on top of yours as his arms circle around you. You don't look up, scratching a few numbers into your book as you switch between things. You've always been better at staying focused when John was around, but sometimes he showed up to remind you that you were working too hard.

“Do we have film homework?” His arms move up and down with your shoulders as you shrug. “Do you want to check?” Another shrug, more scratching numbers. John sighs, reaching over your shoulder to change windows on your computer and pull up your class website. “We have a movie we need to watch, come on, clean up.” He pats your shoulder and straightens up, walking over to the couch and turning on the tv. Hal could find pretty much any movie for free and in good quality online with just the title, so you figure John’s looking up whatever film you have to watch for tomorrow. You switch windows back to what you’ve been working on, the DOWJ was down today, not too bad but still not good for your investments. 

You wonder briefly if Hal is still on your computer. AI dude was like a virus when it came to wifi when you first moved in. Now, it’s only Dirk’s private server that’s open game for Hal to get into your device and anything connected to it. Your entire hard drive had to be scrubbed for him after the first time he got in, and even then Dirk wasn’t sure if he could still use a blind spot to get in. In the same sentence he’d criticized your use of a macbook and your choice of DJ software. You could always ask, but asking might have him connecting and taking control, which you really couldn’t risk. Like you’d said, things that would get you in trouble with the IRS and most if not all of the US treasury department if lost. Dirk may have the bitcoin market cornered, but you were sitting on a pretty sum of money from wall street, and no one wanted it getting out that a twenty something photography major was raking it in when professionals couldn’t.

“Dave.” You look up from your computer as you are writing, staring at John as he waves the TV remote from the couch. “Get your skinny butt over here, we gotta watch a shitty movie.”

“Excuse you-” You close your laptop and stand, walking over to the couch “-my butt is not skinny.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” John flops back on the couch, dragging you down over the back, you flail as you try to avoid crashing face first into John’s lap. You catch yourself quickly and sit properly on the couch before leaning against John’s side. John loops and arm around your shoulders and starts the movie, after dismissing the large “gay” message that Hal pops up on the screen. You sink into the couch, snuggled up against John and only half watching the movie until John makes a comment on the starting narration.

Halfway through the movie and over half way through the second bowl of popcorn Dirk exits your room swearing loudly in spanish and knocking just as loudly on Roxy’s door. John looks down at you as Dirk is granted entrance.

“What’d he say?” he asks, shoving popcorn into his mouth.

“How should I know?” you grumble, pressing against his side for warmth.

“You’re his brother?”

“I’m Korean.” John sighs like you’re a lost cause and you smirk up at him. “Something about his computer I think.” Remedial spanish really did come in handy, go figure.

“See? That wasn’t so hard.”

“Hangmun.” You grab a handful of popcorn, pushing it into John’s smug face. He laughs and pushes your hand away, popcorn falling to the ground. In retaliation, you tackle him, or you try to at least. John has a solid 20 pounds on you and barely moves on the couch. You huff and John goes boneless leaning on you. Very quickly you find yourself being squashed by your supposed best friend, who is laughing his stupid ass off.

“Aw, what’s wrong Dave? Your dumb ninja training not saving you?” John manages through fits of laughter. You would hate him more if his stupid cute snorts didn’t interrupt his laughter.

“You’re killing me Egbert,” You gasp. You extract your arms from between the two of you and push at his shoulders to try and roll him off. Instead John pops up from laying on top of you but only enough to prop himself up on his elbows and stare down at you with that smug grin of his.

“What's the magic word Dave?” John’s eyes almost twinkle with how fucking happy he is to be so annoying.

“Dicks.” You deadpan. John rolls his eyes.

“No it's not dicks. Try again.”

“Butt sex.”

“That's two words Dave.” 

You try to wiggle your hands out from under him again but John's got you pinned pretty expertly. Which you suppose make sense consider how often he did this sort of thing when you were kids. He grins down at you and you feel your stomach flip, trying not to think about how he’s pressed against you and trying to keep the rising heat off your face. The whole situation reminded you of one of the cheesy romance novels you sometimes steal from Rose. Before you know it and without thinking you’ve leaned up and closed the distance between the two of you. And then you're kissing him, and it feels like fireworks are exploding behind your eyes because he's everything you have ever wanted. For the briefest moment you think you feel him start to kiss you back but just as you think that he's jerking away from you, leaving your hands reaching to hold him.

He looks...disgusted. Your stomach drops.

“What the fuck! What the fuck was that?!” John quickly moves away from you, scurrying to the other side of the couch and staring at you with such betrayal that if you hadn't felt sick before you sure as shit do now.

“I don't know! It just happened!” You say, moving away from him as well.

“It doesn't just happen Dave!” John yells making you flinch back against the arm of the couch.

“I wasn’t thinking, I’m sorry!”

“You weren’t thinking?” John spits, “So what? Is this what you do? You just default to sex?” It feels like he just slapped you. You stare at John, eyes wide with shock. Absently you hear a door open in the hallway.

“No, I-” John cuts you off.

“God I should have known you’d try to pull something like this.” Your breath catches in your throat and you feel your eyes stinging, “you’re such a fucking slut dude. If you’re this desperate just open the phone book I’m sure you can find someone interested in fucking you, just leave me out of it.” You stand up suddenly. Hal’s red icon has flashed onto the TV over the movie, watching the trainwreck. “And don’t bother dropping by my room after your booty call.” John calls mirthfully after you as you storm down the hall back to your room, determined not to have a breakdown in the hallway. Dirk’s hand catches your arm as you pass Roxy’s room. You look up at him and the solemn look on his face tells you everything you need to know before you’re pulled into the purple comfort of the room. Roxy stays standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips, staring John down. You hear John’s, “What?” like another slap to the face.

“You really don’t fuckin’ get it.” Roxy spits before turning and slamming her door behind her. Dirk’s wrapped an arm around your shoulder as you stare blankly ahead at the cat on Roxy’s bed. You feel, cold. Dirk’s hand rubs your arm, up and down, over and over.

“It’ll be okay little man.” Dirk mumbles, letting you slump dumbly against his side. Where the hell is your life going that this is how John reacts to you? “Rox.” Dirk says over your head, stopping the angry shuffling you’d heard.

“Yeah, yeah, but I’m gonna beat his ass later.” Roxy says before wrapping her arms around you and pressing her cheek against yours. She’s warm, and Dirk lets go of you to allow Roxy to hug you properly. 

“You want me to grab Rose?” Dirk asks and you shrug noncommittally. Dirk correctly takes that as an affirmative and, to your surprise, walks over to Roxy’s closet instead of the door. He opens it and knocks loudly on the back panel. After a moment the panel opens and Rose’s head peaks through.

“What?” She asks shortly before catching sight of you. Her demeanor changes immediately. “I’ll be right back.” Then she’s gone, back in the closet as quickly as she’d appeared.

“It’s how me and Rosey share the cat.” Roxy whispers in your ear. It draws a genuine smile from you despite the fact that tears have been flowing fairly steadily down your face since Roxy started hugging you. You hiccup a sob as Rose comes through the closet with a pile of knitting. Roxy has started rocking the two of you side to side and making gentle shushing noise. It’s starting to feel like a hug from your mom which makes the waterworks even worse. You nearly sob outright when Rose starts trying to wrestle you out of Roxy’s grip to put a sweater on you. You lift your arms haphazardly as Roxy plucks your shades from your face. “Wouldn’t want to damage these.” She says bitterly.

Rose gets the sweater on you and hustles you over to the bed. You sit down on it reluctantly and are instantly swallowed by the mountain of pillows and down blankets Roxy has piled on there. The soft fabric wraps around you like a hug as Rose picks up the cat --who hardly responds other than with a quiet inquisitive noise-- and sets him in your lap.

“What happened?” Rose asks gingerly sitting on the bed next to you. You flop over to lean against her, head on her shoulder. Roxy hustles over to sit on the other side of you while Dirk pulls Roxy’s desk chair to sit in front of the bed.

“John blew up at him.” Dirk says bluntly.

“I kissed him, it was my fault.” You say quietly. Rose sucks in a breath, you can feel her shoulders rise from the force of it.

“I see.” She says, Roxy’s gone stone still.

“It was nothing, it was barely-”

“He said that shit because you kissed him?” Dirk says leaning forward, arms resting on his knees.

“What did he-?” Rose starts.

“Nothing I didn’t already know. Good to get it out in the open I guess.” You say petting the cat in your lap just to feel...something.

“He called you a slut Dave, basically told you you weren’t allowed in his room anymore ‘cause you’re some sort of robo-sexfiend.” Roxy says, her anger bites at the edge of her words. The atmosphere of the room churns as Rose absorbs this new information.

“Did you like it?” Dirk asks before Rose can get a word in.

“Yeah getting called a whore by my brocrush was really the highlight of my evening.” You say, some of Roxy’s bitterness seeping into your bones.

“The kiss, Dave.” Dirk clarifies, he’s tired, you can hear it in his voice.

“I was lonely, I thought--” Dirk stares at you, even through his shades you can see something in his eyes that makes your stomach churn and fresh tears spill over your cheeks, “You know how I- god, he’s got me fucked up.” You say hoarsely, your throat closing in preparation for the sobs you know are about to wrack your body. Dirk nods and stands up. He opens the door to the room and leaves, shutting it behind him. Roxy takes that as a cue to grab you and Rose and flop all three of you back into the soft comfort of her bed. You lay there staring up at the ceiling, pillows rising up on either side of you, and try to listen for whatever Dirk’s doing. 

Roxy wiggles her arm under you and you shift to rest your head against her shoulder as she starts petting your head. Rose takes one of your hands in hers and starts talking idly about the latest game she’s been trying to perfect. Quiet tones drowning out your hiccups. The cat purrs on your chest, a comfortable weight that’s working to untie the knots settled under it. Everything is varying shade of lilac and pink, Rose draws shapes on the back of your hand, you feel safe. The door opens slowly, quietly, Roxy tilts her head to check who it is. You don’t hear footsteps which means it’s Dirk. After a moment you feel the bed dip as he settles down next to Roxy. You don’t ask what he did, you don’t really want to know. You close your eyes and feel him tap your forehead, not to get your attention just to give you some comfort. He only has so much reach with the girls hogging you.

“Things’ll be okay.” Dirk says, it feels loud in the quiet room.

“You have a strong love line.” Rose says tracing a finger along your palm. It’s matter of fact, as if she’s telling you a universal truth. It makes you laugh, burying your face in Roxy’s shoulder and laughing harder than you’ve ever laughed at the absurdity of it. You have a strong love line. Because of course you do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah sorry John’s a huge dick, but he’s protective of his friend and oblivious to boot.


	2. John

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John feels bad, but it’s not like he’s going to lose his best friend over this, right?

Dave stormed out of the living room about five minutes ago. You feel...bad. You’d been mulling over what Roxy had said and it still didn’t make sense to you.

“You really don’t fucking get it.”

Of course you didn’t. You didn’t get the appeal of sex. You didn’t get why Dave wasted his time with one night stands when it was plain to you that none of the people who came over actually gave a shit about him. You didn’t get why Dave would have sex with someone if he was only going to end up complaining to you about it later. You didn’t get why Dave seemingly threw himself at people. You didn’t get why he’d waste himself on those people. You didn’t get why those people didn’t bother to at least stick around and tell Dave: “hey good game”, or whatever people said after sex. It was an utter mystery to you because Dave was so much better than that. Deserved so much better than that. Dave deserved someone who stuck around and got to know him, who actually appreciated him, who loved him. 

And you’d said terrible things to him.

It occurs to you suddenly that Dave probably wasn’t stalking off to call someone, he was probably running away from you. That makes a rock drop in your stomach. You made Dave run away from you, you’ve known Dave for years and he’s always stood his ground, fired back, anything. You never wanted to hurt Dave, or you did but it was more… you wanted him to just get away from you. You touch your lips before catching yourself and setting your hands in your lap. Dave had kissed you.

You’ve wondered since Dave came out, if he’d ever thought of you in that way. From your frequent observations, Dave didn’t seem to have a type. You wondered, had Dave ever found you attractive? Well, now you knew, at least he was willing to try and sleep with you. He was willing to try and sleep with anyone, you’d thought bitterly before you’d pulled away from him. He wasn’t about to make you into one of the careless crowd. You weren’t going to let him. So you did the first thing you could think, you took your anger out on him.

You put your head in your hands and just sit there, the apartment is eerily quiet. You don’t know if you blame Dave or you blame the University. Dave wasn’t like this in high school, but then he brought someone over freshmen year and that was the end of it. It felt like you’d lost part of your best friend and you’ve been holding onto the rest of him so tightly since you moved into the apartment. You hadn’t even noticed him slipping through your fingers. Now you don’t know what to do, but you know you should apologize. 

Dirk comes out of Roxy’s room and you feel his eye biting into you even with his stupid anime shades acting as a barrier as he walks silently over to you. The two of you stare at each other a moment before you break the tension.

“Is he alright? I should- I should apologize, I didn’t mean to—“ Dirk raises his hand to silence you.

“Stay away from Dave.” He says, cold enough you have to suppress a shiver that runs down your spine.

“But he’s my— we’re best friends! I have to apologize I mean, what if he thinks I hate him? How am I supposed to…?” You say growing distraught. Dirk rubs one of his eyes under his shades. He doesn’t seem to be listening to you. It makes you more than a little angry. “Dave knows I wasn’t serious, I’ll talk to him later and—“ Dirk pulls his shades off and leans over to stare you dead in the eye. You flinch away from the sudden movement, Dirk’s empty hand pressed against the couch next to your shoulder.

“Stay the fuck away from him.” Dirk growls and you nod mutely, sinking further into the couch as he narrows his eyes to make sure you’re not lying.

“Okay, jesus!” You say, Dirk nods and stand back up slipping his shades on. He leaves as quickly as he came over, slipping into Roxy’s room without even a look back.

Dirk Strider only said 10 words to you, but you can feel them settle in your chest like lead. Dave’s been ripped away from you, and it’s no one’s fault but your own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I might update tri Delta next...

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah sorry John’s a huge dick, but he’s protective of his friend and oblivious to boot.


End file.
